Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Pauly, Pauly, Stop Resting Your Head, Only Whores Make Money in Bed

Well guys, anyone who knows me, knows that I hate one thing, possibly more than anything else in the whole world. Okay, not that bad, but it's at least in my top twenty.  I hate to wake up.  If I wanted to create a Hell for someone, and I really wanted them to suffer, I would give them an eternity of them being in the most warm, most comfortable, most amazing bed, while outside of them was a house made cold by winter, and I'd have them get woken up and forced to step onto tile.  Yep, I'm that evil. 

What made me think about it was my wife waking me up this morning.  Every morning she wakes me up to make her breakfast because she really doesn't have time and because we want her to get a good breakfast for the baby.  We also don't want her throwing up while on her way to work with her carpool.  And as soon as I heard the words, "Paul, it's time to wake up."  My stomach turned.  I kid you not readers, I got physically ill.

This really should come as no surprise, I've been traumatized by being woken up.  My family moved from Arizona to Utah when I was about five.  I still vividly remember being woken up for my first day of Kindergarten.  I remember green and white linoleum flooring (the kind that is supposed to look like tile), an off-white counter top beneath those yellow lights, and my parents, one holding on to two of my limbs, the other holding the other two, and them throwing me into the bathtub.  Now, I will note that this was not child abuse.  I'm sure that my parents tried to use their sweetest voice in waking me up.  They probably told me that it was my first day of Kindergarten, and that I didn't want to be late, but it seems that from the womb I didn't like waking up and they were eventually forced to physically pull me from my bed or not get me to my first day of real school on time.

Apart from the physical forcing when I was five, I think that I've been traumatized in the same way that all of you have.  Again, you're laying there in a wonderful bed, dreaming of whatever your mind can think up to make you the happiest, and in comes someone to wake you up.  This well meaning individual is trying to be a chipper as possible, but little do they know, that's the worst thing they can be.  Let's be honest, getting woken up puts us in a bad mood, and the last thing we want to hear is some sing-songy voice telling us that sleeping time is over.  I can imagine them trying and I feel the rage boil, "Wake up sunshine, the world is waiting for your bright, shining face!"

I think some people understands that happy, sunshine is not what people want first thing in the morning.  My Great Great Great Grandpa, from Denmark, knew this all too well, and I have a Great Great Uncle who feels about the same about waking up early as I do.  So, my GGG Grandpa would yell, "Jensey, Jensey, stop resting your head, only whores make money in bed!"  It's a hilarious story, so I think my dad thought that this would somehow make me happier to wake up.  He tried it, and I can say that he was wrong.  Humor, like super happy fun voice, really only pisses you off further.

But my traumatizing continued.  When I was in Junior High and High School we owned a dog.  Not just any dog.  We owned an over-weight, very well trained, black lab.  My dad had this dog trained to the nines.  The dog knew where he was supposed to be, when he was supposed to be there, and if my dad wanted that changed it only took him saying so once.  Our dog knew that, in the morning, he was not supposed to be in my room, but I know that he relished in the times that my dad would command him to "Go get Paul!"  And in came the black lab, all seventy pounds of him (I'm totally guessing, all I know is that he was big), jumping on my bed and licking my face to the music of my dad's cackle, and then my dad being like, "What Paul?  Why are you so mad?"  These were often Saturday mornings too, when I had nothing to wake up for.

During that same time, I got an alarm clock.  It woke me up fine, but pissed me off too.  It sounded like a cat being killed in rhythm and increasing volume by a digital monster.  This noise makes me physically ill as well.  I debated getting a clock that played music, but I suspect it would have turned out like "A Clockwork Orange"* and I would have wanted to jump out the window each time I heard some of my favorite songs.

Along with each of these atrocities, I've heard of people singing Happy Birthday to wake someone up on their birthday (I can imagine how that would go over if it happened to me).  I know people who scare people awake.  If my feet were out of the bed my mom would often tickle them to wake me up.  All of these seem horrible.

So, I've been thinking about my own children, as I often do.  Now, I'm sure that whatever method we use to wake them up will traumatize them in some way, but I'm debating if I want to use the least traumatic, or the one that is the most fun for me.  What do you guys think?  What would be the least traumatic, and what would be the most fun?  I was thinking that the least traumatic would be me being pissed myself.  No happy sunshine, no sing-songy voice, just simply, "I hate this as much as you do, but it's a fact of life, now wake up."  Anyway, let me know what you think.

*A Clockwork Orange is a film my Stanley Kubrick, in which, a young man loves music by Bach, and also commits atrocities (such as rape, and savage beatings).  He goes to jail and they torture him to music by Bach.  Afterward, whenever he hears Bach he wants to get away from it by any means necessary, including jumping out a window.


  1. I like how you liken this to A Clockwork Orange. That made me giggle and smile!

  2. You may end up with a morning person in kid form and thus you will not have to worry about this. I know as a Dad I was happy to see my kids' faces in the morning so I had the patience required. Teens now, it's a different story but one of them still wakes up early without much fuss and we're thankful for that.

  3. @Horde
    Yeah. I was hoping someone would like that.

    From your lips to God's ears. And may all my teenagers be like your one. :)

  4. My Dad used to rap his knuckles on the walls down the hallway. I hated it.
    My son is such a morning person, he wakes up easily and happy every time. Lets hope yours are the same.
    I so get what you said about happy people. If someone is trying to make me do something I dont want to do and they are all happy and chirpy, it really pisses me off.

  5. Our motivational speaker recommended that one should leap out of bed and say 'Wow! I'm going to have a GREAT day! What a WONDERFUL day it is!' and things like that. I think it might be a good way to get murdered!

    Good post! I think you're on the right track there!

  6. at boot camp they would flip the lights on and yell and flip matresses. not a fun way to wake up. i started to wake up ten minets early, internal clock i guess, so i would be awake when this happened it was much funner to watch the scene than be apart of the scene. my kids dont like waking up eather...... good luck with yours

  7. @Alittlesprite
    I find it interesting how much we remember from our parents. *Paul builds more pressure on himself*

    Ugh, I totally agree. I'm not a violent person, but if someone wanted me to hit them, they'd want to follow that advice around me.

    yeah, I would be the guy who never woke up on time. One more reason to respect you people in the military.