My Game With the Doctor

1.  I didn't get into a car accident today.  I'm not saying I normally do, but I'm man enough to admit that it happens to the best of drivers.
2. I had a great weekend visiting family.
3. My buddy's wife had their baby!  Go Brad and Mel.

Let me just start this post by saying that I have a tremendous amount of respect for doctors.  They have a skill that I will never have, and it amazes me.

That being said, I had a fun little encounter at the doctor's office today that made me chuckle a little.  I hurt my neck about a week and a half ago (how I hurt it will not be discussed, because I'm not sure if my best guess is the actual cause, but if it is, I'm pathetic).  The pain moved from my neck to my left shoulder, and I assume the pain should have stopped by now, so I made a doctor's appointment (for all of you who understand the male psyche, you know what a big step this was, and how much my shoulder hurts).

Now, most (if not all) of us have gone to the doctor before.  We understand the check in/waiting room dance that we all go through, and that has been thoroughly covered by comedy, so I won't go there.  I did discover a game that we all play today though that I found amusing.  I like to call it, 'Tell the Doctor What You Think is Wrong.'  It seems to happen in four parts, each of which has it's own unique joy.

Part one:  He asks, "What SEEMS to be the problem?"  I love when it's phrased like this.  It's like he's assuming that there probably is no problem, but you SEEM to be having one.  My doctor bypassed this little undercut, and asked it more kindly.  "So, what are you in for?"

Part two:  You try to respond without sounding like a moron.  This part is the one that requires the most mental dexterity.  First off, you don't want to come off as the whiner who has a cold, but acts like they've just contracted a disease worse than cancer.  Then the doctor won't take you seriously.  Like in my case:  When I move my arm just so it feels like someone is driving a dagger into my back.  Do you see how this is hard to take seriously?  Secondly, you do want help, so you don't want to say what you have really isn't bothering you.  "Oh, there's really nothing wrong, I just thought it'd be fun to go to the trouble of making an appointment, showing up, paying the copay, sitting in this tiny room, so that I could chill with you for fifteen minutes while sitting on butcher paper.  We just hadn't hung out in a while.  I know there are people dying in the waiting room, but is that really more important than our friendship?"  See how dumb this sounds.  So, really, for part two, you have to find that nice medium where the doctor knows you're there for a reason, but that you're not faking it to miss school that day because you have a big test you haven't studied for.

Part three:  The doctor laughs at how dumb you sound, but only on the inside so you'll keep coming back to him, and assisting him in his boat payments.

Part four:  The doctor takes your poorly worded symptoms, combines them to mean some kind of disease, writes you a prescription so that your body can fight off whatever this is, and you can continue functioning, without too much belly aching.

I just thought it was funny.  Have a nice day.