Thursday, December 30, 2010

A Little Beef with Soda and Candy Companies

I've got beef with soda and candy companies.  Now, I don't mind that they pump their products full of sugar and harmful chemicals.  I can make decisions for myself and take full responsibility for the size of my ass.  It's no secret that candy and soda makes your ass grow and I think it's embarrassing how people try to pawn the responsibility of their actions on to faceless companies because it's easier than taking that responsibility onto themselves.

But I digress, I'm not talking about harmful products or the moron's that blame their bad actions on the companies that make those products.  I'm not talking about those things at all.  What I am talking about is flavor naming.  I'm down with "cola" because "cola" is a made up name for a flavor.  I'm also pretty down with "lemon-lime," because it tastes mildly like those fruits.  In reality, I have beef with two flavor names.

Exhibit One:  Fruit Punch.  Have you ever collected any number of fruits, put them in a blender, and come out with a cocktail that tasted like a heavy syruped soda that had lost its carbonation?  Yeah, neither have I.  Fruit punch is a sorry excuse for companies to leave out the carbonation from a drink.  And this isn't the worst of it.  "Fruit Punch" makes no promise of flavor.  No "Fruit Punch" tastes the same, from Hawaiian to Hi-C.  It's mystery flavor, that's what it is.  If it's Mystery Flavor, why don't they just call it that.  Airheads made a mystery flavor and their still doing just fine.

Exhibit Two:  "Grape:" whatever the hell that is.  I have never tasted a grape that tastes anything like these candies, or these medicines for that matter.  They are superior to the Fruit Punch though, at least they all taste the same.  When you get a Grape flavored soda or candy, you can be sure of what it will taste like, but with that certainty comes the knowledge that what you've purchased will taste nothing like any grape you've tasted.  Why can't they be honest and call it Purple Flavor.  We all know that the purple colored candies and sodas taste the same, they taste like purple.

There is a small caveat that I need to make here:  Hi-Chew Fruit Chews that are Grape, really do taste like grapes.  The only candy company that is off the hook here.

Again, I don't mind that the companies make the flavors that they do, but let's start being honest with each other.  Heavy syrup with a lack of carbonation is not grounds for "Fruit Punch,"  and purple food coloring does not constitute "Grape."  I don't try to give them Monopoly Money and call it American Currency do I?  I'd appreciate the same courtesy.


  1. I agree... I tend to call candy "flavors" by their colors because it makes more sense to me haha

  2. Hmm. This is a familiar topic of discussion. :)

  3. Lol.. I agree. Maybe "Fruit Punch" is all the left over flavour dregs all mixed together.

  4. This is deep man. Now I'm wondering why skittles have different colours...I think you're totally onto something here.

  5. @Amanda
    You and I are so different, but it's obvious we're the same on the important things. :)

    Yeah, I've gotten in the habit of when I talk about things that are bloggable, I go home and save a "blog" for later so that I don't run out of ideas... And thanks to you and Ty for giving me something to blog about.

    You may be right. It sure tastes that way anyway.

    Thanks guy. The CIA has already asked me to run a full scale investigation... I may or may not take the job.