Thursday, May 12, 2011

AC Helped me See Deeper Into Myself, Now it's Your Turn

1. Awesome blog friends who help me see clearly again.
2. Family who is doing and asked me to do it with them again (I fell off the band wagon and have really wanted to get back on).
3. A supportive dad who read my chapter 2 manuscript, said he liked it, and marked it up a bit so it sounds better.
4. A supportive wife who reads my book through with me and tells me what isn't coming across right.

That's right.  I had four things to be thankful for.  Don't expect this to keep up, I'll probably stick to three; I just happened to have four come easily to me this morning.

So, Antares Cryptos made a very interesting comment on my blog yesterday that opened my eyes a little wider to myself (see AC, you totally deserved that award).  He pointed out that I seemed to be feeling a little guilty for not wanting to wake up, though I really didn't need to.  This got me thinking.  I did feel guilty, but I wasn't sure why.  Every one's comments made sense; it was human nature to want to stay in bed.  The more I thought about it, the more I reflected on who I wanted to be, and how maybe who that was wasn't a real person.

Who I wanted to be was a completely selfless husband, apparently one who does not feel tired or need sleep.  I wanted to be a perfect father, who, when doing something for his child feels no pain.  The more I read the comments, and thought about great dads and husbands who I actually know, the more I realize that the person I seem to want to be is not human.  He's this insane robot who doesn't dream, but only powers down, then jumps right back into the thick of it as soon as he's needed.

Once this hit me, I started thinking about some research Kris Doty is doing.  She is one of my teachers and often speaks of something she's sees a lot in the women of Utah.  "Toxic Perfectionism" she calls it.  She sees women who want to be perfect in every way, and when they fall short they go into a depression, which then only leads to them noticing more imperfections and so on and so forth.  I felt, if for just a brief moment, what she was talking about.  I wanted to be who I thought was a perfect individual, but in that perfection, I think I would lose some of the cool that I am.  I have feelings and dreams and thoughts that are my own, meaning that the selfish side of me is bound to show his ugly head occasionally, and that's okay.

I talked to my wife about all of this last night and she reminded me of something that I had forgotten.  There are bunches of people who wake up every morning dreading going to work.  They work so that they can support their family.  If they hate their job, does that mean that they really don't care about their family?  No.  It just means that what they have to do to support their family is not fun for them, but because they love their family, they do the hard thing.  Waking up in the morning and getting my wife's meals for the day together really isn't too hard, but I don't particularly enjoy it.  Just because I don't enjoy it doesn't mean that I don't love my wife and child, it just means that don't enjoy it.  She said that what was important was not loving the thing, but loving her and Baby J enough to do the thing, and I do the thing.  So, I guess I'm not really too bad after all, and even typing that feels pretty darn good.

Have a nice day.


  1. See I told you that you weren't bad.

  2. That's a wise woman you got there.

  3. and now the storm has passed and the clouds have cleared, you can see the light! hahaha. That wife of yours is a pretty smart woman!

  4. You see? No-one can be Superman, or Wonder Woman.

  5. What sprite said. (Based on what AC said.)

  6. This comment goes here;)
    I am honored that you attribute your insight to me, I just left a comment, you did the work.

    Perfection is unattainable, like the "toxic perfectionism" description, except for the 4.0, that's perfect:)

  7. @Sprite
    Oh, I believed that before, I am just harder on myself that others. I just need to start being more realistic.

    Haha, thanks.

    Meh, how about we worked as a team? And I'm trying to understand that I don't need to be perfect. I'm perfectly fine with others ot being perfect, I just have a hard time giving myself that same luxury. :)